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A Positive Approach to Talking about Digital Reputation: Why We Shouldn’t Use College Admissions as a Threat

I’ve witnessed this far too many times: parents and educators trying to keep kids in line with threats about college admissions. For example, some parents might say: “don’t use bad words in the group text, you might not get into college.”

Here are a few good reasons not to do this:

1) It isn’t true: 99% percent of the dumb things kids do wouldn’t rise to the attention of admissions officers: silly selfies, bad words in group texts, being annoying, inappropriate, or over-disclosing. We may wish for our kids to eschew these behaviors, but it is lying if we say these relatively minor missteps will keep them out of college.

2) It isn’t so important: Getting into a highly selective college is no guarantee of a great life/career. Attending a less selective college, trade school or community college could be part of a path to a great life/career.

3) It is not the point: We should teach our kids not cheat in school, not to be unkind on social media, and not to make cruel jokes because we want them to be an ethical person and a trustworthy friend. Not because we don’t want them to get caught.

My article “It’s Not Just About College Admissions, Teaching Kids To Live Well Even When No One is Watching” is in Washington Post’s On Parenting section.

Raising A Digital Kid? Empower them to Mindfully Add Contacts

If you can empower your child build their contact list slowly and deliberately, this can help them to avoid overwhelm later on when they scroll through their contacts and don’t recognize half of them. Make sure your child  knows it’s perfectly fine to simply ignore requests from people she doesn't know or don’t want to chat with.

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Hold The Phone: 8 Signs Your Kid Isn’t Ready For a Phone

The decision to get your kid a phone is an important one. Don't make the decision lightly.
Smartphone in hand, your kid can access the entire world with just a few swipes and clicks. This is a huge responsibility. Here are some clues that your child might not yet be ready for the responsibility a phone brings.

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parenting tweens in the digital age, parenting tween girls, books on parenting tweens

6 Truths About Parenting Tweens in the Digital Age

Parenting tweens gets a bad rap. In my work helping parents and schools with kids and social media, I hear a lot of complaining about kids between 9 and 13 “growing up too fast,” being “immature” or “distracted.” My digital citizenship workshops with kids this age have given me a window into their creativity

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Screentime Battles: When Kids Refuse to Unplug

Many parents who come to my events are excited about my becoming a tech-positive parent...up to a point. But they are also sick of battling with their kids. Some of them harbor an idealized version of the past, which can lead to a negative impression of technology. Here are some "next steps" to help.

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other parents, uncomfortable conversation, kids and technology

How to Talk to Other Parents About Their Child: New Rules for the Digital Age

What happens when one of your kid's friends is doing something inappropriate with social media or the Internet? Having that "uncomfortable conversation" may not be fun, but looking out for each others' kids is good for all of us as parents.

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conflict resolution, mentorship, digital devices, texting, text messaging, social media, kids and technology, kids and social media, tweens and technology, tweens and social media, bullying, social media conflicts, social media conflict resolution

Conflict Resolution for Digital Natives

Kids deal with small conflicts every day - it’s part of growing up. But for today’s “always-on” digital natives, there are additional layers of complexity. Constant connectivity complicates their social sphere. Here’s how you can be a good mentor and teach conflict resolution to your own digital natives.

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9 Tips for Successful Parent-Teacher Communication in the Digital Age

The digital world has changed almost everything we do, and parent-teacher communication is no exception. You probably have more access to your child’s teacher than you ever did—and certainly more than our parents did. More access and more communication can be a great thing, but it comes with some hazards too. New modes of communication means new etiquette and new expectations.

For instance, a common issue is expected response time. You reach out to the teacher, and you don’t hear back right away. But how long is “right away,” exactly? People’s communication habits vary. So you send another message. Now it has potentially escalated into an issue—when it really didn’t have to.

Some teachers communicate their preferences and state an expected response time. But every teacher is different and many won’t state explicit preferences.

We all have a responsibility to one another in learning the new rules: Parents, teachers, and school administrators too!

 But let’s focus on what we as parents can do to  set a positive tone and foster a good parent-teacher relationship.

  1. Start with empathy. Your child’s teacher has a difficult job—one that is often underestimated and under-appreciated.  There’s new educational technology, new standards, new testing—all of which take time for your child’s teacher to learn and integrate.
  2. Let the teacher choose mode of communication if possible. Communication will be much more free-flowing it you make it as easy as possible for the teacher. Respect her communication preferences. If she prefers e-mail to phone, then e-mail it is! Of course, there are times when only face-to-face will do, but try not to pressure your child’s teacher about the way things “should” be done.
  3. Help if you can. Teachers are often under-resourced and overburdened. Are you super tech-savvy? Maybe you can support the class web page or blog. Your support is not only a nice gesture—it can help the whole class!
  4. Teach boundaries to your child. If your child is old enough to e-mail the teacher herself, then the child should also be aware and respectful of these boundaries and expectations. Just because you and your child can e-mail the teacher, doesn’t always mean it is a good idea.  Before you (or your child) e-mails the teacher, check that the question can’t be resolved another way. If your child didn’t write down the homework assignment, is it available from a classmate or the learning management system? Your child should not make a habit of e-mailing the teacher instead of writing things down or knowing how to look things up. For more on how boundaries can help all of us in the digital world, check out my book: Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive and Survive in Their Digital World.
  5. Have patience. The learning process can be difficult and time-consuming. Sometimes your child will breeze through a subject with great ease, and other times it will seem like a never-ending slog. Don’t blame the teacher…If possible, dig into the homework assignments with your child. Then, if you can see things are taking far longer than homework policies state, do communicate the specifics with the teacher so you can collaborate on a solution.
  6. Know the teacher’s tools. Is there a digital version of the textbook? Does the textbook—or the homework—require Internet access? If so, how much time? These are great questions to ask the teacher, so that you can mitigate distraction during homework time. If you know this, you can set up unplugged time for homework, or partially-plugged time (computer or tablet not connected to wifi).
  7. Adhere to school rules. Don’t make life difficult by sending your kid to school with devices when they are prohibited by the school. Despite good intentions, it will likely create a classroom issue. You may have a good reason, such as an urgent family matter or a particular health issue. If you need an exception, ask the school first.
  8. Too much access to communication is not always the best thing. Lots of schools now let you check your child’s grades on quizzes and tests as they are posted. Unless you are managing a particular struggle, this much access to information may cause more stress than it is worth! Same thing for texting your kiddo during the day to “check in.” If they aren’t supposed to be on their phones, don’t make it hard for them.
  9. Don’t assume the worst. Unless there is strong evidence to the contrary, you can trust that teacher’s intentions are good. If they are not responsive by email they may be dealing with their own family crisis, a grading tsunami, etc. A completely unresponsive teacher does present a challenge that  you may need to address with the school, but someone who doesn’t answer an email right away may be in the middle of reading your child’s essay, attending a professional development workshop, or eating dinner. Assume the best about your child’s teacher, not the worst. It goes a long way.

New technology and new methods can have an amazingly positive effect—if we handle them the right way. It’s all a great opportunity for us as parents to get more involved in our kids’ education. To be generous, to offer support to our teachers, and to do so with a light touch. It’s easier for the teacher to collaborate with you to solve problems when you approach communication thoughtfully, and with empathy.

 

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Devorah Heitner, PhD is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive and Survive in Their Digital World and the founder of Raising Digital Natives a resource for schools and families wishing to cultivate a climate of digital citizenship.